The Word of Nerd A look into the lives of the criminally inane

So as those of you who read some of my old posts might know, I am currently attempting to pursue a fabulous career in that most shallow hallowed industry: film. It’s glamorous. I got the game of thrones writers a milkshake once. True story.

What you might not know about is my star-studded-stint in front of the camera. My blink and you missed it moment in the sun. In a baci advert.

I will not link the advert as that will destroy what flimsy sense of dignity I still have.

Suffice it to say when I auditioned for it it seemed like the best gig ever. All I had to do was stand in front of the camera, say my name, talk about a hobby of mine and attempt not to choke on the chocolate I had to bite into. Sweet deal AND free chocolate. My day was made.

So like the fascinating member of the species I am I put on my best moronic actress face and say “I’m Max, and I like knitting. Because I’m and old lady.” and take a tasty, tasty bite of free chocolate. I don’t choke and die. This is a win for me.

It’s even more of a win when I get called in a week later to be approved by the producers. They’re 3 or 4 friendly looking Italian people who look me over and say things that even my limited Italian knows are nice things. Unless “carina” has evolved into some sort of cruel Italian slang, which, looking back might be the case.

I get the job. I celebrate. My mind already sees Martin Scorsese jumping up on his sofa, having watched the advert, and proclaiming to his casting director “Bring me the Baci girl!”. I’m still here, Ms/Mr Casting Director. If you’re out there. I am already wondering how to politely rub my success in my childhood bullies’ noses during my acceptance speech.

Needless to say, as such tragic tales always go, I turned up to the shoot the next week and meet the ad’s leading lady. She is pretty, she is Italian. She is roughly the size of the sandwich I’d had for breakfast. The wardrobe ladies smile at me kindly. Then they whip out a two piece sweater set and a pair of glasses too ugly to even have been ironic.

Yes. I was cast to play the class nerd. I was the Screech of the Baci advert. Grinning at the hero when his love note gets passed not to the girl of his dreams but to the nerdzilla sitting behind her.

Oh well. At least I had free chocolate.